


A Little Laughing Gas Never Hurt Nobody

by Goodgriefmartincrieff



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Attempt at Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2014-06-13
Packaged: 2018-01-03 03:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1065166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goodgriefmartincrieff/pseuds/Goodgriefmartincrieff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Martin has Douglas drive him home after his wisdom teeth removal, and accidentally reveals that he's in love with Douglas while he's under the influence of laughing gas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Douglas, do you have anything to do on Friday? You know, what with it being our free day and all?”

Douglas raised an eyebrow. “Why, Martin? Are you going to ask me on a date?”  

“No, of course not. You know what? I’ll ask Arthur instead.”

As if magic had conjured him, Arthur popped his head in the flight deck. “Ask me what, Skipper?” Martin turned around “Arthur, are you free on Friday?” “Well, mum says that she’s going to teach me how to do the laundry properly, last time I tried doing it the washer started overflowing with suds.” “So is that a no?” Martin asked. “Sorry Skip, that’s a no. Do you want some coffee?” “No thanks, Arthur.” “All right.” Arthur closed the door and left.

 “You know Martin, you could just ask me, like you were originally going to.” There was a short pause, before Martin said: “Oh all right. I was asking because I’m scheduled to have my wisdom teeth removed on Friday, and I need someone to take me home after the surgery.” Is THAT why you were making such a big fuss?  Martin, of course I’ll take you home.” Martin looked surprised, as if he wasn’t expecting that response out of Douglas. “Thank you.” “No problem, Martin.”

\---

Martin stood before Douglas in the dentist’s waiting room. “All right Douglas, I should be out in about an hour. I’m really sorry for making you do this.” Douglas sighed. “Martin, you don’t have to apologize for anything. If I would have wanted to not do this I would have told you. I didn’t have anything else to do today except for cleaning the house and watching telly.” “Oh. Well, all right then. I’ll be out-“ “in an hour. I know. Now go and get your wisdom teeth removed.” Martin walked towards the patient’s room. Good God, he’s acting like I just gave him a million pounds and he has no way to pay me back Douglas thought, as he began reading the newspaper.

10 minutes later, the dentist’s assistant walked into the waiting room. “excuse me,” she said to Douglas. “Are you Martin Crieff’s…” she didn’t know what to say. “I’m his friend, yes. Oh God you haven’t killed him in the past 10 minutes, have you?” She shook her head.

 “nonono, of course not. It’s just, Martin seems to be quite afraid of surgeries, and usually when this happens we encourage friends or family to be there before the anesthesia kicks in.”  

“So you’re asking me to…”

“Just sit next to him until the meds kick in.”

“Did he ask for me to be there?”

“No, but Dr. Jones and I know that Martin would rather have an aneurism before admitting that he’s scared.”

“Oh, all right then. I’ll do it.”

“Come with me please.”

\---

“Douglas, what are you doing here?”

“Well, Martin, it seems like you failed to inform me that you’re scared of having the surgery.”

“Douglas, I’m not scared! I’ve landed a plane with one engine; this is nothing to be scared of!” Martin cried out .

“Oh really? Then why are your hands shaking so much?”

Martin looked down at his hands, and indeed they were trembling.

“I’m…cold.”

“Come on, I’ll just stay here until the laughing gas kicks in, and then I’ll leave.”

“All right, fine.” Martin crossed his arms angrily, but Douglas knew Martin well enough that he could see that he was secretly glad.

“Ok Martin, are you ready?” said the dentist’s assistant. Martin nodded. “I’m going to put this over your  nose and I want you to breathe.” She placed a breathing mask on his face. “I’m going to go fetch Dr. Jones now. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

\---

A couple of minutes later, Martin seemed to have forgotten anything about being nervous. “Douglaaaass” he slurred. “What is it Martin?” “Look at the ceiling, do you see…shapes?” Douglas looked up. “No Martin, I’m afraid I’m not high enough to.”  I wish I could have brought a camera, just to rub it in his face later, Douglass thought. There was silence. “Douglaaaasss.” “What, Martin?” He looked up a Douglas with sad eyes. “Are you sure that your wife isn’t going to be mad at you for being here with me?” “Martin, Helena and I are separated. We have been ever since the tai chi incident.” “Oh.” The silence was uncomfortable now.

“I’m not sorry, Douglas.” slurred Martin, clearly losing his grip on reality now.

“Oh? Why not?”  Douglas felt like he shouldn’t ask any more questions, but oh, he was curious.

Martin flapped his hand around a bit.

“Come here”  Douglas leaned in closer.

 “More.” A bit closer.

“Mooore.” He leaned over so that his right ear was almost next to Martin’s mouth.

“s’just, I want to kiss you senseless.”

Oh.

“E’er since my firs’ day at MJN. You, with your stupid voice and your bloody sarcasm. I used to think I was straight but uninterested.”

He really should stop Martin from embarrassing himself even further.

“But then you, YOU, came along. You’re-you-you’ve slayed me, Douglas.”

If there has ever been a time where Douglas has been rendered speechless, it was now.

Dr. Jones and his assistant then walked in. “What do you say, Martin?” said Dr. Jones. “Ready for your surgery?” “yeah, doc.”

“Alright. Mr. er..”

“Richardson.”

“Richardson. If you could now make your way to the waiting area now.”

“Allright doctor, thank you.”

Douglas walked out, shooting one last look at Martin, who was completely oblivious to the confession he had just made.

\---

 What the hell had just happened right now? Martin certainly seemed confident of everything he was saying, and there was no way that sober Martin would have decided to do that intentionally.

So.

Martin was in love with him. It was something that had never occurred to Douglas, he was just as awkward and stubborn and uptight around Douglas as he was around Carolyn and Arthur. But Martin was good at hiding things. Like the time he nearly went into a hypoglycemic coma halfway through a flight to New York because Carolyn had decided to cancel the catering for a week and Martin didn't have anything to eat at home. He was starving, and if his face hadn't looked so pale, Douglas would have never noticed. 

It's not that he didn't care about Martin, he certainly did. But, there is a huge difference between caring for someone and wanting to get into their pants. He wasn't straight, his first wife's affinity for threesomes had helped him figure that out. But. It's Martin. And how should he deal with the situation? Should he talk to Martin after he's gained his wits back, or should he just never mention it again? "The poor chap will probably die of embarrassment if I ever tell him, I think it's best if I just leave it alone. There's no reason for me to fuck things up between us."


	2. The Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that it took me so long to update this one. I've been really busy but I've been less stressed lately. :) Cabin pressure and it's characters belong to the BBC, no copyright infringement is intended, Unbetta'd all mistakes are wholly mine.

"Martin. Martin, you need to help me, I can't carry you all the way to my car. I might have the muscles of a Greek god, but for a man that is as wiry as you are,  you are surprisingly heavy." Martin didn't respond, he was deeply asleep. "Martin. Come on. When you asked me if I could take you home after your surgery, you didn't say that I would literally have to carry you." Douglas sighed. "Oh the things I do for this man" he thought as he wrapped Martin's left arm around him so that dragging him would be easier. 

The surgery had gone well, but Douglas felt as if this small favor was becoming bigger and bigger by the second. First, Martin reveals that he's in love with him, and now he has to carry him because nitrous oxide can really knock you out for several hours. Granted, the two things weren't alike, but Douglas was expecting to just have to drive around for a bit. But then again anything having to do with Martin was never simple.

\---

"Ok, in you go. Now let's take you home, Martin." As Douglas drove, he concentrated on the road. The stop signs, the rain, and the traffic lights. Certainly not that Martin was in the passenger's seat, looking far more peaceful than Douglas had ever seen him when he was awake. His ginger hair was messy from not having product in it, his mouth was ever so slightly open, exposing a bit of his front teeth, and he was snoring lightly. "my God, he looks like he just got out of university." Far, far too young to even be remotely interested in someone like Douglas. 

Douglas pulled up to Martin's driveway, fully prepared to carry him inside into his bed and just leave him there. Except. Douglas has been to Martin's house when the students aren't there, and it's just not a good place to be. Martin needed someone to take care of him, at least for a little bit.

So Douglas turns on his car again and heads for his home. Or rather house, it hadn't felt like home ever since Helena had left. A couple of minutes before they arrived, Martin woke up, quite startled. 

"Martin, I'm taking you to my house, you need someone that can feed you the baby food you have to eat for the next few days." 

"Bu-Douglas I'm I'm-"

"You are still partially high and cannot feel pain right now. You'll thank me when the nitrous oxide wears off. My daughter didn't want to speak for a week after she got hers taken out. I have a rather nice guest room. Of course, if you want to go home and silently suffer while you eat nothing but purées and ice cream for the next couple of days, you can."

"No, Douglas, you don't have to"

"Martin! I am offering this as a colleague and as a friend. I'm not doing this because I "have to". I have to do my log books, but you never see me doing those, now do you?" 

"No. I guess not."

"So do you want to go home, or do you want to stay with me?"

"....Are you sure it's alright if I stay with you?" Martin said, sleep almost taking over again.

"of course"

"Allright then, if you..." Martin was asleep before the end of the sentence.

"I swear to God, this man will be the death of me" thought Douglas as he pulled up to his house.


	3. Chapter 3

Douglas was tired. So very very very very tired. Tired. Martin had spent the previous evening dozing in and out of sleep on his couch, and right before he was about to go to bed he had a very long argument with a very sleepy Martin who demanded to wear pajamas. "Douglas, I haven't slept in anything but pajamas in over 20 years. It doesn't feel right to not wear them."

 

"Martin, I regret to inform you that I am not the type of man to wear pajamas. I sleep in my pants. And unless you want to drive yourself across Fitton to get your clothes, you're going to have to either a) sleep in those clothes, b) borrow a t shirt and shorts from me, or c) wear--wait."

 

"wait for what? Douglas, what are you doing? Where are you going?" 

 

Douglas came back with a pair of button down Winnie the Pooh pajamas. 

 

"They were Helena's. I bought them for her one day, but she only wore them once because she said they were too big. She couldn't return them to the store, and when she left, well, she left them here too."

 

"Douglas, I didn't mean to remind you of...well, you know." 

 

"Oh, it's alright. It's better for them to be used than to remain a memory, right?" Douglas still looked rather sad, creating a moment of rather uncomfortable silence.

 

"I suppose so. Im pretty sure they'll fit."

 

"Yes, you are rather slender, aren't you?" at this, Martin blushed furiously and looked down as if he were inspecting the folded fabric that lay in his arms. Douglas stood up and began walking towards his bedroom.

 

"Well, Martin, I'll be going to bed now. Oh, and remember, Dr. Jones said to-god fucking hell."

 

"What? What's wrong?"

 

"He gave you a prescription. He said that you would start to feel a stabbing pain right around 10 or 11, because he gave you one right before you left his office. He said to take the painkillers when you started feeling it. And we didn't go pick it up." 

 

Martin furiously searched for a solution. "Well, can't I just take, I don't know, ibuprofen?"

 

"Not unless you want to overdose on it. Although, that would certainly take the pain away." Douglas sighed. "Alright, get your coat. We're going to the pharmacy." 

 

***

 

And what an adventure it was. It was difficult enough to find a pharmacy that was open for 24 hours, the pharmacy clerk had thought they were a couple.

 

"Allright, what can I get for you?" she smiled at them even though it was very obvious that she hated working the graveyard shift.

 

Martin pushed his prescription towards her. "Please" she read it. "Allright, this should be ready in about an hour."

 

"An hour? But we're the only ones here!" exclaimed Martin

 

"Martin, Martin, let the young lady do her job. If she says it's going to take an hour, then it's going to take an hour." 

 

"But I'm-I'm sleepy." he laid his forehead over Douglass's shoulder, already falling asleep again.

 

"Dear God, how strong are these painkillers?" thought Douglas.

 

"I'm sorry, this might sound a bit intrusive" the clerk piped up. "But I just want to say that you and your partner are one of the cutest couples that I have seen"

 

There are not many things that leave Douglas speechless, but today it had happened twice.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry, we're not, we're not dating." said Douglas, pointing to the nearly catatonic man on his shoulder "We're coworkers. I'm helping him recover after surgery."

 

"Well, isn't that sweet." said the clerk, winking before she went to go fill prescriptions.

 

Douglas couldn't do much except for stand there in a bit of a shock. Martin began to snore.

 

***

An hour later, they were on their way back home. 

 

Twenty minutes later, Martin was in bed, with painkillers and Winnie the Pooh pajamas, and Douglas was about to fall asleep as well.

 

Except.

 

Martin.

 

He had pushed the declaration of love away from his mind for the rest of the day because he had been busy, but there was nothing stopping him from replaying the scene over and over again as he laid in the dark. 

 

A million questions ran through his read, but the most recurrent one was _"Why me?"_ Martin was a good looking man, despite his mop of ginger hair. Maybe because of it. He was young (certainly much younger than Douglas) and, as much as the world tried to deny it, he was an airline captain.

 

_Oh, sure. He had his bad qualities as well. He was pompous, proud, and stubborn, and he really did have the worst luck in the world, but he was also capable of being very sweet, and he would do anything for you once he got close to you._

_What would he ever want to do with a man 15 years older than him,  divorced thrice, and an ex alcoholic?_

 

  
_Oh well, he'll just have to think about it the next day. it was getting late and-_ BEEP BEEP BEEP

 

Douglas turned to look at his alarm clock. It read 6 am in glaring red numbers.

 

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that! 2 updates in one week! I told you i would start writing more!
> 
> Cabin Pressure is owned by the BBC, no copyright infringement intended. Unbetta'd, all mistakes are entirely my own.


	4. Chapter 4

After grumbling about how stupid waking up at 6 in the bloody morning was, Douglas begrudgingly got out of bed. Shower. Get ready. Put on uniform. He had done the morning ritual so many times that he could easily do it even without having slept much. Technically he was supposed to get at least 5 hours of sleep before flying, and considering that he had dozen off only a couple of times throughout the night (Douglas esimated that his total sleep time added to somewhere between 3.5 and 4 hours) he wasn't technically following the rules. But Douglas had done worse, he had coffee, and the only scheduled flight MJN had that day was a cargo flight to Berlin, so flying Gertie was still safe. 

He went downstairs to make himself his first cup of coffee of the day, when he remembered that Martin was staying with him. He knocked on the guest room door. No response. He knocked a little bit louder, to no avail. Allright, i have to do this the difficult way then. he thought. He started banging on the door which swung open. Martin hadn't latched it properly. 

On the other side of the room, Martin was still soundly asleep, and had cheeks so swollen that he resembled a chipmunk. Honestly, if Douglas didn't know that Martin would be in pain for a couple of days, he would have thought it hilarious. Martin still showed no signs of waking.

Douglas stepped outside of the guest room and pulled out his mobile. He dialed Carolyn.

"Douglas I swear to God if you're calling in late I'm going to neatly rip your head up as soon as you get here."

"Hello to you as well, Carolyn. Actually, I wasn't calling in late. i was wondering if Mr., er, what's the name of the gentleman we're doing the cargo flight for?"

"Gerdes. It's Mr. Gerdes."

"Right, I was wondering if Mr. Gerdes asked for the full complement of pilots for the flight."

"Douglas. Are you calling in sick?"

"I'm not calling in anything. However, I think that Sir Martin will be. See, he got his wisdom teeth taken out yesterday, and the orthodontist gave him really strong painkillers, and he's been out of it for the past day or so. He's not even awake yet. He's not fit to fly."

"How do you know that he's not awake yet?"

"What?" 

"How do you know that he's not awake yet? Did you call him?"

"I-well, no. He's staying at my place while he can't fully take care of himself."

"So you're saying that there is no way that he can fly today?"

"Yes."

"Well, no, he didn't ask for 2 pilots but-"

"Oh come on Carolyn, you don't even pay him and he hasn't taken a sick day in the 2 years since he started working here!"

"Oh allright then. But you better be here on time, Douglas."

"Yes ma'am."

Afterwards, Douglas left Martin's medicine, some water, and a note that read: "called in sick for you, there is applesauce in the pantry for when you get hungry." on his nightstand.  
   
\---

"Douglas, are you all right?" asked Arthur as soon as he walked onto the flight deck.

"I am perfectly all right. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I dunno. Normally when Skip isn't here you spend the whole time singing until mum tells you to shut up. But today you're kind of quiet. Pensive."

"Where did you learn what the word "pensive" means, Arthur?"

"I'm not a total idiot, you know. I learnt it off Harry Potter. You know, how in Half Blood Prince Harry looks into the pensieve? I looked it up in the dictionary."

"Ah. I see."

"See? There is something wrong, though. Because normally you would have come up with something clever to say back!" For a clot, Arthur was certainly perceptive.

"Arthur, I would tell you, but i know that you're absolutely awful at keeping secrets."

"I'm not awful at keeping secrets. I'm awful at lying. But if nobody asks me about the secret then I won't tell anyone."

"That's not a very convincing argument."

"Aw come on Douglas, maybe I can help you with your issue."

"Somehow I highly doubt that..." Douglas muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

Douglas sighed. What harm could telling him do? "Oh, all right. Tell you what. Make me a cup of coffee and when you come back I'll tell you."

"Brilliant."

\---

"-So you see, I don't know if I should talk to him about it, because honestly I don't understand why he would ever be interested in me. I feel like I should tell him to move on with his life and find a nice boy or girl who actually deserves him."

"Wow. But I have one question though. Why do you say that you can't see why Skip's in love with you?

"Because, Arthur-"

At that moment Carolyn opened the door to the flight deck.  
"Who is in love with who?"

"Oh, Skip's in love with Douglas."

"ARTHUR!" roared Douglas.

"Douglas!" he replied.

"Carolyn!" he said, looking at carolyn as if saying: "control your son!"

"Arthur!" she exclaimed.

"Janet!" Douglas and Carolyn stared at Arthur.  

"Who's Janet?" asked Carolyn.

"Oh sorry, I thought we were doing the Rocky Horror thing. Never mind. But mum, you know how yesterday Skip got his teeth taken out?"

"Arthur, what did we say? We were going to keep it secret."

"Yeah, but mum doesn't count. She knows me too well. I can't lie to her without falling over."

"Yes, fine, let everybody at MJN Air know that Captain Crieff is in love with me!"

"If it makes you feel better, Douglas, I don't really care that Martin is in love with you. And frankly I'm tired so I'm going to leave you two to your teenage girl conversation, I'm going to go take a nap."

She closed the door and left.

"So Douglas-"

The door opened again.

"One last thing though. When you do realize that you love him back, please, for the love of God, do not have sex on my aeroplane."

"CAROLYN!"

"Goodnight!" the door closed once again. There was silence in the flight deck.

"So, Douglas, do you love him back?" Arthur asked

"Martin? No. I care for him, as a coworker and as a friend, but I don't love him."

"Are you sure though? Because I've seen the way you look at him sometimes, and it's like your eyes soften whenever he's around."

"Arthur, my eyes certainly do not-"

"Just hear me out.  We've both been here ever since Skip started working, and your attitude towards him is not nearly the same as when he came in."

"What do you mean?"

"Because when he first came in, it seemed that you were mad that he was captain, not you. And when you teased him, you were pretty harsh about it. But now it's like when a couple makes fun of the other's flaws. And I mean, honestly , you should see your face, and his face for that matter, whenever you're together, I hadn't seen anyone's face light up like that since Allie and Noah in The Notebook."

"Did you just compare me and Martin to-"

"That's not the point, Douglas. The point is, maybe if you did get together you would both be really happy. I dunno. Think about it." Arthur walked towards the door and left.

Douglas was really starting to hate being left speechless.


	5. Chapter 5

Martin woke with a stabbing pain in all of his lower jaw.  He tried crying out, but opening his mouth only made it worse. He closed his eyes and tried to gather his surroundings. He knew that Douglas had taken him home, but he had no idea what he had done yesterday. He had a vague feeling he had slept and watched a lot of Top Gear. 

He was wearing some sort of silky clothes. He pulled away the covers to find he was wearing button down pajamas. He looked at the semi plunging neckline. Women's pajamas. Really, really comfortable women's pajamas. 

"Oh god I hope I didn't let Douglas see me in my pants" he thought as he gingerly got on his feet. There was a note on the nightstand that read:"called in sick for you, there is applesauce in the pantry for when you get hungry." Oh, right. He was supposed to fly to Berlin that morning. He looked over at the clock. 1:17 p.m. Martin silently groaned, in his 2 years of working at MJN Air he had never called in sick. 

Oh well it's not as if it mattered anymore. Douglas was probably about to fly back. He dragged his way to the kitchen,  and found another note and a container of prescription meds on the table. "you're also welcome to the gelato in the freezer. I can only imagine how painful it is to even open your mouth right now. Speaking of which, take your pills." Martin opened the door of the freezer and found 3 flavours of gelato, but he only had eyes for the cherry vanilla found in the back. If there was any day where he deserved to eat sweets for breakfast, this was the day. He felt as if someone had brought him back from the dead, but only barely. 

As he ate his gelato he tried to remember events from the previous day. The last clear moment was when the dentist's assistant had brought Douglas in so he could stop shaking. After that everything was either totally gone or he could only remember 1 significant detail. 

"I probably made a fool of myself under the laughing gas" he thought as he spooned more gelato into his mouth. "Granted I always make fun of myself around him." He wished he could say that it hadn't always been like that, that at one point he was able to hold a conversation with him without feeling like the butterflies within him were clawing at his stomach, desperately trying to escape. Unfortunately he was struck by Douglas since the moment he first saw him. There was something unique about a man who knew exactly how intelligent, charming, and attractive he was. And to think that Martin, of all people was his captain only made his infatuation worse. He had struggled with his schoolgirl crush for the better part of two years, and it had no intention of going away. 

In short, he felt slayed.

He scooped up the remains of melted gelato in his dish. There was, there was something about that word. Slayed. He was certain he hadn't thought of, let alone used it recently, but something about it stuck out. Slayed, slayed, slayed, what does it mean? It doesnt even sound like a word anymore." He thought as he got up to get a glass of water. The words "you've slayed me" crept up as he swallowed his painkillers and slowly drank the water.

"where have I heard-" Martin froze, glass still raised to his lips. He remembered now. Insisting that Douglass's ear  lean into Martin's mouth as he half whispers half slurs out the words: "I want to kiss you senseless."

How he leaned back in the dentist's chair as he said: "Douglas, you've slayed me." Martin heard the sound of glass breaking , and became aware that his glass of water now laid shattered on the floor.

**Author's Note:**

> Cabin Pressure or any of it's characters is not mine under any circumstances, it is property of the BBC.
> 
> (I'm awful at naming things)
> 
> Also, it's unbetta'd, so any mistakes are wholly mine.


End file.
